I am astonished

I am astonished that within a week of making my blog live I was contacted by two other survivors. I can’t express how that felt. Ok maybe I can 🙂 It was like a life raft. “Hey, it’s ok, we’re out here too and we’re ok.” I’m very grateful.

I had big plans for this post and all the wonderful things I had to say, but like I replied to a commenter on my last post, I just felt the valve release and all the pent up anger release once I published the first post. Now I’m left with bits and pieces that I have to identify like an archaeologist.

I can say this. My mom has been dead for ten years now. I’ve finally gotten to a place of anger. Not total anger. I’m able to touch it and run away from it. But if I were to come face to face with her again I’d beg her to love and forgive me. Beg in desperation. *sighs.* Screw you too mom.


3 thoughts on “I am astonished

  1. I know what you are feeling, as I was just contacted on my blog about Mother-Daughter sexual abuse blog by two fellow survivors. It speaks volumes, and I’m glad to have found your blog as well.

    Your feelings on your mother are appropriate amongst us from the survivors I have spoken with. There is often a cycle of emotions, for years and emerging in many things. It is okay that you are angry, but you feel that emotion of needing her to love and forgive you. In fact, I have often felt the same thing within the emotional cycle. I ended all contact with my mother this past November, and the emotions have been ever-present since then.

    I am glad you have felt some pent-up emotions release, and you will not be alone in sorting through them.

    Take good care,

  2. Sounds like you have your voice, and keep at it, even this is about healing.

    I have to say I can’t relate to wanting love from her. On another level, though, I must feel that way too. Since I’ve remembered the mdsa, I have to say I have been in touch with the rage and anger and that has never left me completely. Connecting with other mother-daughter sexual abuse survivors, that was healing on a scale I had never experienced before and still is magical, healing, and mostly my reason for living.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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