Will the real Olivia please stand up?

Last night I had an intense session at therapy.  For the first time really I became aware of at least 3 of my parts showing themselves.  I’m sure it’s happened before, but this time I had a ringside view.  Some may consider this scary but I consider it a sign of healing.  Of trusting K so much that I can let him see me.

A few weeks ago I drew a personality map for him.  It was something he had asked  me to do years ago when I first started therapy.  To just sit down and try and map out who is inside.  At that time the concept of DID was so scary to me, and my parts were so unknown to me that I couldn’t do it.  I’d stare at the piece of paper and nothing would happen.  Then a few weeks ago it clicked – or whomever is in charge of the others decided to give me some information.  K and I have decided that it is by no means a complete map, but it is a tremendous start.

We talked about a lot of things – about my mom’s death and the bizarre rituals (at least to a part of me) that nurses and doctors employ when a family “pulls the plug” and how younger parts of me are terrified that my mother is not really dead, or is an angry ghost who can come get me at any time.  I noticed that during this discussion at times I talked about my mom as though she were alive.  I felt like that was at least one of the younger parts coming through.

The discussion about my mom was much deeper than that, but the resutlt was me being tremendously angry.  The part of me that handled that anger started talking about bashing my father’s head in with a skull.

And of course we talked about the puppy.  I turned into a mush pot little kid.  That was the first convo, and when I really became aware of what was going on – mostly because K very carefully and gently pointed it out.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s this obvious to the other people around me.  But I figure someone would have said something, no?

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2 thoughts on “Will the real Olivia please stand up?

  1. I also tried making maps and circles and plans, but nothing worked. One day I started some internal dialogue and they had built a house. It’s working very well, too. I’m glad that map feels comfortable for you.

    I wonder if it’s obvious when I switch (or am co-conscious in girly mode), too. Maybe that’s why I have no friends, my kids friend’s parents call me weird, or I ask stupid questions in public. My husband usually picks up on it and helps bring me back to the present.

    So, you could bash in your father’s skull? Lately I’ve been fantasizing about driving lances with spinning augers on the ends into my parents.

    Take care of yourself and puppy-baby.

    Lisa

    • Hi Lisa! I think the internal dialogue preceeded the map for me. It’s an evolving map. I think I just took a roll call and that’s what popped up 🙂 I think that what matters is that the you in charge has a way of dialoguing that feels comfortable. But I’m by far no expert.

      I have no idea what’s obvious and what’s not. My therapist can tell, but he’s been studying me for years and from what he says there have been many before me. I think it’s amazing that you have your husband for support and grounding. I’m afraid to even tell mine that I was abused. And I think it’s amazing that I have YOU for support 🙂

      Glad to know I’m not the only one with barely restrained rage!

      *warm hugs*
      Olivia

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