Say my name, say my name.

I love how after just 12 days with us Patch knows his name.  It doesn’t matter what tone of voice I use, he knows and looks at me.  He’s such a smart little ruffian, and I love him.  It’s a kind of love I’m sure of, not one that leaves me wondering if I’m only mimicking love, or what I think it should be.

I’m also jealous of how certain he is of his name.  Olivia was a random name I picked for this blog.  Actually, one of my favorite television characters is Olivia Benson, so that’s why I chose it.  But in real life I have two names.

My given name is A.  I also belong to a society of historical re-enactors and my name there is G.  Some friends call me A, some call me G.  Family calls me A because they don’t understand my weird hobby.  From some people though, or maybe for some of the parts in my head, A sounds wrong.

When my husband says my name I don’t always respond right away, or I get this momentary sense of panic.   Like two people intimate with each other we don’t often call each other by name. So when he does it it’s a shock.

When my therapist uses my name is when it really triggers a moment of panic.  Like some awful boundary has been crossed.  I used to feel that way when he would disclose something very minor about himself in the early days of treatment.  To the point that I asked him not to do it anymore.  I didn’t want to see him as a person.  I didn’t want to say his name in my head.  I knew I had turned a corner about a year in when I could call him by name, out loud and in my head.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m invisible.  If people will remember me.  When I joined facebook I was amazed at the friend requests.  I didn’t think I existed in people’s memories.  Go figure.

Actually, I want to amend an earlier statement.  I call my husband by his name all the time.  I wonder why he doesn’t do the same?

Questions for another time I guess!

Anyone relate?

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7 thoughts on “Say my name, say my name.

  1. Names are odd to us. We abhore our childhood name and don’t use it, unless we have to. Our family don’t call us by our new name, so I prefer that they don’t call me by my old name. We have used Kate for over ten years, even with therapists. We prefer having a name that our parent didn’t pick.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. I hate, hate, hate my name, but I often use it to get my personal power over it back. Twice I’ve tried to change it, but it would have created some legal problems so I’ve kept it.

    Are you in SCA? We used to go and participate in SCA events until we really had to focus on family more.

    Lisa

    • Hey Kate! Here is the SCA’s official website: http://sca.org/ and the mission statement: “The SCA is an international organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Our “Known World” consists of 19 kingdoms, with over 30,000 members residing in countries around the world. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which feature tournaments, royal courts, feasts, dancing, various classes & workshops, and more.”
      Lisa

  3. Hi Olivia,

    Thanks for your response. Could you email me some info? I’d appreciate that. My health issues are challenging right now, went from an ear infection to another infection in the other year, to a cold right now. So that is stopping me from doing most activities, but eventually it would be nice to get in touch. Thanks.

    Kate

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