Hey, Slow it down, Whataya Want from me?

I have therapy tomorrow and I’m a mess.  I’ve spent the last week angry at my therapist, K, but as the week has run down I’ve realized I’m just scared.

I’ve been mad because I’ve felt pushed even though we agreed he would push me.  We’ve been working on this issue of my uncontrolled eating an getting me back into a program that works – OA.  I can’t seem to make the leap back into it and we’re trying to figure it out.  Then in our last session I think I hit on something – a few things, and it made me really scared and angry.

For a long time now we’ve been talking about my mom.  It’s been like a pin ball machine.  Through the high score ramp sometimes but most of the time I’m just slamming around the vicinity.  Then I had a dream that K pointed out was just as much  about my dad as much as it was about my mom.  I shut down and realized my absolute fear that he was going to make me in some way confront my dad or talk to him about something.  It’s way easier to talk about a dead parent than one you have to see at Sunday dinner.

I was able to tell him that that was a no fly zone and he seemed taken aback that I would even think he would make me do that.  I quickly made the connection that the reason I dropped out of OA this last time was because I was at a point in my step work that I would have to make ammends with my father.

There was a time in my life where even asking my dad for gas money would make me cry. He would get so exasperated and angry that I would turn to mush like that.  The fear of what I can only think of was rejection was so strong that I almost couldn’t ask him to pass me the salt.  I needed so badly for him to protect me and he didn’t.

I’ve also got this running fear that if I don’t get back into OA soon K is going to pull the plug – maximum benefit time – if you aren’t going to do what I say then I can’t help you.

*sighs*

What a tricky thing this life is.

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3 thoughts on “Hey, Slow it down, Whataya Want from me?

  1. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to. Has he ever tried to make you do something like that? Maybe I’m reading your post wrong.

    Are you okay when you see your dad like that? I’d need to take massive amounts of Xanax.

    I really hope you feel better.

    Lisa

  2. I too am kind of confused about this. What would making amends around your father entail? You were the child, to me making amends is about confessing because you did something wrong, I don’t see how you could have done anything wrong. You were his child, he didn’t protect you. I never did any confrontation and wanted to mention that it can be done without the parent. I sort of have the opinion that confrontations are not necessary for healing, neither are reconciliations. Though I respect that other survivors may choose to do so.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  3. Sorry I AWOL’d for a while. Nobody is making me do anything. My perception is always that people want more of me than I can deliver. I’m a worst case scenario girl. that’s for sure.

    My therapist and I had a chat about it and he doesn’t necessarily think reconciliations are the way to go either. He’s always been 100% for what I need, and if he pushes it’s because a) I ask him too or b) he knows I can handle it or need it.

    As far as visiting with my dad, I think it just depends on what part of myself I’m in. I went over for Easter dinner yesterday, hit the driveway and wanted a thousand Klonipin. It was a good experience though. My dad has been redecorating the house so it looks less and less frightening.

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