I have therapy tomorrow and I’m a mess. I’ve spent the last week angry at my therapist, K, but as the week has run down I’ve realized I’m just scared.
I’ve been mad because I’ve felt pushed even though we agreed he would push me. We’ve been working on this issue of my uncontrolled eating an getting me back into a program that works – OA. I can’t seem to make the leap back into it and we’re trying to figure it out. Then in our last session I think I hit on something – a few things, and it made me really scared and angry.
For a long time now we’ve been talking about my mom. It’s been like a pin ball machine. Through the high score ramp sometimes but most of the time I’m just slamming around the vicinity. Then I had a dream that K pointed out was just as much about my dad as much as it was about my mom. I shut down and realized my absolute fear that he was going to make me in some way confront my dad or talk to him about something. It’s way easier to talk about a dead parent than one you have to see at Sunday dinner.
I was able to tell him that that was a no fly zone and he seemed taken aback that I would even think he would make me do that. I quickly made the connection that the reason I dropped out of OA this last time was because I was at a point in my step work that I would have to make ammends with my father.
There was a time in my life where even asking my dad for gas money would make me cry. He would get so exasperated and angry that I would turn to mush like that. The fear of what I can only think of was rejection was so strong that I almost couldn’t ask him to pass me the salt. I needed so badly for him to protect me and he didn’t.
I’ve also got this running fear that if I don’t get back into OA soon K is going to pull the plug – maximum benefit time – if you aren’t going to do what I say then I can’t help you.
What a tricky thing this life is.