I just had a phone call with my youngest brother. At 10 years apart I have stood in for my mother on a consistent basis. He is reaching a point in his life, as a young man, where he both needs the guidance of a mother and pushes it away.
Anyway, my brother called me and he came off as arrogant – a know-it-all 24 year old who thinks the world should think like he does. I was repulsed and angered and quietly and swiftly got off the phone before I started a fight.
My gut reaction was to storm off to bed because my night had been ruined. I fought the impulse and I think I’m starting to see around the edges to what is going on here.
I carry a lot of resentment. I don’t want to be this kid’s mom. Why should he get a mom? We had the same parents…only mine abused and neglected me and he had me as a surrogate. Yes, that’s very wonderful of me and all, but damnit I’m pissed! Nobody picks up my pieces.
Ok….my husband puts up with a lot and my dog has the unconditional love thing down pat. But my husband is out of work and I’m picking up more hours at my job and I just don’t always feel like he’s doing the best he can. So even cooking dinner tonight was a bitter chore. In fact right now I’m sitting accross from him with headphones in my ears, clacking away and ignoring him on the only night we’ll have together for a while. And forget sex anytime soon.
I used to think I couldn’t get angry. Like it was some foreign emotion I have no experience with. What I’m beginning to understand now is that it’s a taboo feeling that I allow other parts of myself to secret away and I experience it passively or against myself.
So as I’ve said before – screw you mom.