I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

I just had a phone call with my youngest brother.  At 10 years apart I have stood in for my mother on a consistent basis.  He is reaching a point in his life, as a young man, where he both needs the guidance of a mother and pushes it away.

Anyway, my brother called me and he came off as arrogant – a know-it-all 24 year old who thinks the world should think like he does.  I was repulsed and angered and quietly and swiftly got off the phone before I started a fight.

My gut reaction was to storm off to bed because my night had been ruined.  I fought the impulse and I think I’m starting to see around the edges to what is going on here.

I carry a lot of resentment.  I don’t want to be this kid’s mom.  Why should he get a mom?  We had the same parents…only mine abused and neglected me and he had  me as a surrogate.  Yes, that’s very wonderful of me and all, but damnit I’m pissed!  Nobody picks up my pieces.

Ok….my husband puts up with a lot and my dog has the unconditional love thing down pat.  But my husband is out of work and I’m picking up more hours at my job and I just don’t always feel like he’s doing the best he can.  So even cooking dinner tonight was a bitter chore.  In fact right now I’m sitting accross from him with headphones in my ears, clacking away and ignoring him on the only night we’ll have together for a while.  And forget sex anytime soon.

I used to think I couldn’t get angry.  Like it was some foreign emotion I have no experience with.  What I’m beginning to understand now is that it’s a taboo feeling that I allow other parts of myself to secret away and I experience it passively or against myself.

So as I’ve said before – screw you mom.

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One thought on “I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

  1. I’m sorry you are having to work so hard and do so much. That is exhausting and it would be normal to feel resentful. I know that I would.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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