50 Shades for 50 Voices

At any given time my mind is like a giant ping pong tournament with one table and multiple balls.  I tried to capture everything I thought in a fifteen minute period.  Themes, not stream of consciousness.  And I am in NO WAY suicidal.  

Some thoughts/feelings from today

  • I can’t believe nobody has come out publicly against 50 Shades.
  • I feel like everyone is staring at me and knows my own 50 shades of fucked up secret
  • In response to a friend relaying a story about how he witnessed a woman getting a “treatment” on a cross at a club: Instant revulsion at the word “treatment.”  It reminded me of my grandmother threatening “the treatment” if we stepped out of line.
  • What was the treatment?
    How was she going to deliver it at 5’2” and 85 lbs. soaking wet?
  • 5’2” is really big when you’re five.
  • I should really just kill myself.
  • Maybe I have borderline personality disorder and this is as good as things are going to get.
  • I’d slit my wrists but I’m pretty sure I’d only get one done – I’m right handed and hopeless with my left.  Not only would my left hand be sticky and weaker but I’d probably be in pain.
  • I had a dream about my dad being addicted to sniffing women’s underwear and putting himself in bankruptcy with it.  I bailed him out.  Weird.
  • My credit score went up.  I kinda feel like a grownup.
  • There are times lately when I feel attracted to everything with a pulse.
  • Do people not take care of me because I don’t let them or do I pick people who are incapable of taking care of me?
  • If I ever go back to feeling the way I did when I was mixed up in my own 50 shades world I WILL kill myself.  I absolutely cannot do that again.
  • I think I might be smart enough to get a doctorate. 
  • Maybe if I stay really really busy I can shut the music off in my head and stop the crazy thoughts when I drive and just find some productive chaos.
  • I still have the instinctual pull to have sex with people I’m grateful to for treating me like a decent human being.  I should really do something about that.
  • Today I entertained the thought that my boss’s boss was angry with me and I didn’t freak out – I was sound in my knowledge that I did what I was supposed to do and I didn’t allow myself to give into the assumption that her grumpy mood was magically because of me.
  • I won some jewelry today and it made me feel pretty.
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One thought on “50 Shades for 50 Voices

  1. I too am very appalled that no one says anything negative about 50 Shades. I have only heard attitudes that it is sexually empowering. I don’t think that is empowerment.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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