At any given time my mind is like a giant ping pong tournament with one table and multiple balls. I tried to capture everything I thought in a fifteen minute period. Themes, not stream of consciousness. And I am in NO WAY suicidal.
Some thoughts/feelings from today
- I can’t believe nobody has come out publicly against 50 Shades.
- I feel like everyone is staring at me and knows my own 50 shades of fucked up secret
- In response to a friend relaying a story about how he witnessed a woman getting a “treatment” on a cross at a club: Instant revulsion at the word “treatment.” It reminded me of my grandmother threatening “the treatment” if we stepped out of line.
- What was the treatment?
How was she going to deliver it at 5’2” and 85 lbs. soaking wet?
- 5’2” is really big when you’re five.
- I should really just kill myself.
- Maybe I have borderline personality disorder and this is as good as things are going to get.
- I’d slit my wrists but I’m pretty sure I’d only get one done – I’m right handed and hopeless with my left. Not only would my left hand be sticky and weaker but I’d probably be in pain.
- I had a dream about my dad being addicted to sniffing women’s underwear and putting himself in bankruptcy with it. I bailed him out. Weird.
- My credit score went up. I kinda feel like a grownup.
- There are times lately when I feel attracted to everything with a pulse.
- Do people not take care of me because I don’t let them or do I pick people who are incapable of taking care of me?
- If I ever go back to feeling the way I did when I was mixed up in my own 50 shades world I WILL kill myself. I absolutely cannot do that again.
- I think I might be smart enough to get a doctorate.
- Maybe if I stay really really busy I can shut the music off in my head and stop the crazy thoughts when I drive and just find some productive chaos.
- I still have the instinctual pull to have sex with people I’m grateful to for treating me like a decent human being. I should really do something about that.
- Today I entertained the thought that my boss’s boss was angry with me and I didn’t freak out – I was sound in my knowledge that I did what I was supposed to do and I didn’t allow myself to give into the assumption that her grumpy mood was magically because of me.
- I won some jewelry today and it made me feel pretty.