I’ve been walking around with this awful feeling for weeks – maybe months – and I couldn’t name it. Couldn’t find the words or the pictures in my mind. Nothing to conceptualize. To give it a name is to give it wings and let it fly away. But this one sat like a lead balloon.
Just a few minutes I saw it clearly. My hands pressed against the plexiglass, against another pair of bodiless hands – pressing, trying to feel the heat and trying to make the connection. So close but so separated. Pressing harder, trying to melt into the glass. So close.
I’ve been walking around in a bubble. Sounds muffled, feelings just out of grasp, observing myself and my life. I’ve been scared. Very very scared.
Money is such a big trigger in my life. Financial disputes plague many relationships but they were the catalyst for many a war in my childhood home. Now i find myself in a relationship where money is tight and will be for a long time, and the anxiety is choking me. Fear of the scrutiny of every penny earned or sent, “I don’t care you you get it, just get it” ringing in my ears. Having to potentially admit to my partner that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough to earn enough or manage what we have. Being punished for that potentially with the withholding of love. Feeling desperate, frantic and panicked. Making decisions based on those emotions.
And so I put my head in the sand and avoid anything related to money. The bills pile up, and it feeds into the negative loop. I need to stay present. I need to stay here and now.