But tonight, I’m cleaning out my closets

I have to say I’m feeling pretty good about today. I had a really good, cleansing therapy session.

I recently had to drop down to every-other week due to financial concerns.  Right now I’m trying to satisfy my deductible so I’m paying out of pocket.  i’ve been going weekly for years.  I didn’t want to pull back – didn’t know if I could.  It turns out that maybe it was a good thing.  I have to value the time and make every second count.  And today I was honest with myself and with K.  AND I got some pretty good feedback.

I have a pretty serious food addiction.  I am very obese and health dangers are looming around the corner.  I feel pre EVERYTHING.  My addiction is intricately and absolutely enmeshed in my dissociation.  I eat and don’t know I’m eating – I make food choices like a five year old.  Food triggers a dopamine response that brings me comfort from terror and anxiety like few other things can.

My addiction enables me to believe that I’m “fine.”  I’m not as large as I think, my health is not in jeopardy, and nobody sees me as overweight.  K works hard to peel away those layers of denial in a way that won’t send me running.  To let me see myself as I am.

So today I told K, in concrete indisputable numbers-on-paper, how much I weigh.  That was huge, no pun intended.  i was admitted something, not to him, but to myself.  I’m proud of that.

I also, for the first time, talked about a self-harming (he calls it self-comfort) behavior I’ve been engaging in. Just to acknowledge it took away much of its power.  It will continue to be a struggle, but I feel like I’m not carrying it alone anymore.

We spent some more time (how much time is IN an hour anyway!)  talking about some nightmares I’ve been having.  It’s an anniversary for me – the anniversary of my mother’s birthday.  This led to a discussion about some different traumas I’ve experienced around this time of the year.  The significance of this is that for the first time I was able to talk about it in a linear fashion – with some semblance of orientation to time and place.  In the past its only been able to come out in snapshots.

K lauded that as a sign of improvement.  That I am strong enough to tolerate it.  I will take that compliment and keep it rolling.


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