Stayin Alive

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. In the past I would have explained this as saying I felt “blocked”, or got busy, or had nothing to say, or even that life had been so good I didn’t need to blog. As I understand myself and my personality system better, I am starting to consider that my “inner blogger” has been out of my consciousness. For what reason I do not know.

It has been about 9 months since my last post.  Long enough to bring a child to term.  This past nine months has been “ok.”  Life has had its ups and downs, but at the very least I’ve survived. I dare say I’ve grown a bit. I do know that lately the noise in my head has been tremendous.  So maybe that is what tonight is about.  Maybe I am trying to make sense of the noise.

Work is going very well.  I am well respected at what I do, and I am starting to get more and more outside validation of this.  Even better, I am able to accept that validation a little more without automatically rejecting it.  Yes, I do sometimes get surprised, but I am much more able to incorporate it.  My only gripe about work is that I’m working too much.  My husband and I are in very difficult financial straits right now, and I can’t let up.  Between driving and working I’m probably doing about 65 hours a week.  It’s brutal.

We’re in such dire financial circumstances because my husband has been out of work for three years, and I have had difficulty managing our style of living on our own.  My own.  Freudian slip anyone?  🙂  Unfortunately I also took the emotional burden on myself, and managed the finances on my own.  This resulted in a lot of stress and fear about having to tell my husband the state of the union.  In the end of it all it turned out ok, (telling him) but now it is much more of a daily conversation.  I find myself trying to hide from it and deflect as much as possible.

As far as understanding myself, and my trauma, I go back and forth.  Sometimes it feels like nailing jello to the wall.

Overall I’d say things are just fine.  In a good way.  I’ve missed you!

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