I have been feeling calmer since the last post. Almost like that panic attack was the release of pent up anxiety I needed. The info I blogged was good for my therapist to have – provided some insight. I don’t think either of us really realized how scared I am that my mother is going to just pop up some day. That poor little child…
I am on to finding more healthy ways to expel the anxiety before it gets to a critical point. I am off all of my depression and anxiety meds. I am realistic in knowing that I will probably have to add something on board, particularly as I move into winter. But I’m hoping to be able to manage more and more via healthy coping skills.
The gym and exercise have really been working for me. I try to leave enough time so that when I am in the gym I don’t feel like I am in a rush. I am not just working out. I want to experience the vibe of healthy. I want to make eye contact and have silent imaginary high fives with people. I want to be accepted by this tribe.
This morning I walked the dogs with my partner. It was amazing how nice it was. I haven’t done it in more than a year on a consistent basis because of how hard it was for me to make it around the block with them pulling. New collars and more exercise have helped with that. It was such a joy to see how happy they were with the jaunt around the block. I got to explore the neighborhood through their eyes. When I had to go about 500 feet between two territorial dogs, I felt my dogs fear and need to protect me. Still I was in command of the situation. I was the adult, and I led them through it. Much as I’m hoping to lead my inner child through some of the terror we experience day to day.