I’ve been advised by New Therapist (NT) to start writing more. It’s supposed to help me keep my anxiety and anger in check and start dealing with some of these pent-up PTSD reactions. Trouble is it doesn’t come easily to me anymore. Not the way it used to. I don’t get hit by these bouts of inspiration or even these wells of despair. There’s just a flatness and an anxiety. My fingers can’t type as fast as my head can speak to me.
NT talked this week about his theory on the difference between anxiety and anger. KT would tell me that suppressed anger causes anxiety. NT says that anxiety is the fear of what could be lost while anger is the reaction to what is already lost. It’s an interesting way to look at it.
We’ve been talking a lot about the illusion of control. According to him I believed that if I controlled my behavior well enough bad things would stop happening to me. It’s why I’m so quick to comply when somebody needs something of me. I’m not sure I quite understand the depths of this one yet. I know there’s some truth to it, both concepts really, because it’s hard for me to think about it without my mind wandering into left field. Something to come back to.
Well, there you go. I journaled. FU NT. Did I just create a new swear word? Funt? I think it’ll only matter to me but I kinda like it.
savingolivia 